Loneliness leads to Loveliness

Many hours I'd spend riding the train in Chicago, above ground, viewing the brown and rusty red brick overtones of the city, or darkness through it's windows underground. I'd sit with loneliness and wonder when and if that pang in my gut would ever end. Desiring an affirmation from a friend amidst my restlessness to save me from myself. ("Save me from myselllllllf!"-Austin Powers Goldmember)

The pang got worse. I laid in the darkness in my room one night with the words of my dear friend Gina ringing in my mind as I repeated them like a mantra: "You are never alone. I am with you and I love you."

I realized I was actually utterly alone, and that scared the crap out of me. All I could see was darkness. Eternal hopelessness, and it lasted for maybe a half an hour. So... I waited it out. That 30 or so minutes revealed some truths which I think were necessary to realize eternal love. There is a LOVE that surrounds us so well that we are held, through loved ones and God. It's IN us too though.

In this life we are in a sense alone. However, God gives us people like Gina and others who are "flickers of light in the darkness" (new NKOTB lyric!). It's like they are camera flashes which linger in our eyes even when we close them. They are lightning bugs in a dark Summer sky. They are the panacea for the pang. They are God too. (Don't worry, I almost quoted Jewel's song Hands but then stopped myself.) We too are those lighting bugs for other people. Yes, you too, are a lightning bug.

      Well, the pang got a little better.

                                                         The pang got a lot better.

                                    The loneliness never went away.

                                                                                           But the pang went away.

I look back to recent times in NYC sitting in my bedroom on the 3rd floor of Maryhouse searching to find ways of feeling innately joyful and less-restless. Sometimes I'd dance, sometimes I'd look to see if Dan's light was on in his apartment building behind our house. Often I'd quell this nagging by reaching out to friends. Sometimes but not often enough I'd pray, sit in silence and meditate. More than sometimes I'd watch Dirty Dancing, then would miss Patrick Swayze and that is a whole different kind of loneliness.

When I feel lonely now I think of how God actually uses these moments to sanctify us. Bleak as they are. If I were never lonely would I look to the Saints, Therese of the Little Flower in her sensitivity and little loving way, Dorothy Day in her radical love, my best friends in their commitment, strength, and understanding? Would I dance? Would I sing? Would I mean it?

Would I reach out to God in my poverty? Would my own poverty help me know empathy for the women who are experiencing poverty on the Lower East Side of Manhattan? Would I EXPERIENCE how much God loves the poor because I too am the poor?

Doubt it.

We just never know what the darkness will bring. God shows us through resurrection that there is more than meets our little human eyes. I'll try to remember this next time I feel lonely, which will probably be a moment not unlike this very one.

And it is somehow lovely.

Tiny Island, Big Heart, so Dance from the Inside Out!

Manhattan helped me to fall in love with the stranger again. The stranger in all of us is the child in all of us. We all desire connection, communion, being known and loved. There's no way on the island of Manhattan one can escape any of these circumstances. Some of the strangers who quickly became friends and reminded me of the universality of these desires are:

Barna, the guy who worked at Dan's and my favorite $1 pizza slice place around the corner. He is from Bangladesh and going to school for his Associate's Degree. When I'd go in to get slices of extra cheese, olives and mushrooms for Dan and I at midnight, he'd greet me with "Hi Sara, how are you doing?" He called me a week after moving to MA to see how it was going. I felt known.

Caedron, a guy I ran into one balmy night on the Lower East Side while walking and eating exotic yogurt (yes exotic yogurt). He was a fellow artist (graphic art, hip-hop music, and graffiti) and cosmically intuited that he should encourage me to stay in Manhattan and dance. We both shed a tear of wonder in the starlight over our friendly meeting. Encouraged.

Coffee Project, the little neighborhood cafe that instantly became a place of renewal, and soon my workplace. The sweet owners Sum + Kaleena took me in and treated me as family with their extreme generosity. Welcomed.

Amazing Anika and the Contact Improv Jam folks, who gathered at The New York Film Academy to Contact- the most grounding, invigorating, honoring, celebratory, and motivating hours of NYC I experienced. (Also strolling in Battery Park on the water before and after class was a joy!) Strengthened.

All the women who came to lunch at Maryhouse, who will remain unnamed because if we are all strangers and children, perhaps we somehow all share a Universal name. (No, I am not high...) Valued.

Lynx, Rose + Philip, a baby and her sweet parents I got to work with as a nanny. Limitless love. Family.

Dan, my best friend. Affirmation from Heaven.

A special and inspiring friend at Maryhouse who kept me grounded and affirmed in the mission there. Daily he welcomes the women at the door with a heart that is unparalleled and true. Without his presence and example, I'm certain I could not have done this work. Called.

Christine and Bev, my Hip Hop teachers at Broadway Dance Center who imparted emotional, intellectual and physical brilliance. Some of their quotes including:

*Dance from the inside out! (Aka: Don't dance like anyone else, dance like yourself)

*Why don't you all believe you are beautiful?

*Love yo'self!

*If you don't do crunches right you gonna walk outta here with a six pack in yo' neck.
Confidence.

Also, this tiny island with a big heart tries to enlarge one's heart (kind of like what happens to the Grinch) However, it's no Cindy- Lou Who, and can be down right mean about the whole endeavor.

*Making you drop a warm Nutella waffle into a puddle while jumping over said puddle crossing the street. Detachment. (However, a kind passerby empathized with me while letting out an "AWWW!". Community of the human family.)

*Having a Russian male model in no uncertain terms encourage (through discouraging) you to pursue your dreams and water the flower that you are because you are wilting. (The kick I needed to find my Hip-Hop classes!) Acceptance and Perseverance.

*Placing bedbugs in your path (which became a war path, thus discovering your inner Joan of Arc) Tenacity.

*Confronting external and internal shame and having to learn to drop that shit like it was hot. Awareness.

Hopefully now I have a bigger heart, fitting more people inside, like Manhattan does.

May we all dance (LIVE) from the inside out.

Transformation.
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