Here at the New York Catholic Worker, life is simple and beautiful. Why then, am I absolutely exhausted?! I find myself reflecting on the circumstances of the women who come to Maryhouse for lunch, clothes, and showers during the week, and being astonished by their strength. In the quiet of my room on the 3rd floor (with cute fire escape...check off bucket list), recollections of conversations and interactions stir in my heart and evoke more compassion than I realized I embodied. My eyes gaze upon the NY Times at horrifying glimpses of people fleeing their homes in Libya, Syria, Afghanistan, and my heart is arrested and breaks in the silence. I become frustrated that I am not doing enough. I'm not doing enough.
Then I start to remember the Gospel, which is the grace of a love so big it dries all tears & erases striving.
It seems an anomaly that here at the Catholic "Worker", I am truly privileged to be in a community of people with whom I can practice love in action, and yet God couldn't love us any more or less regardless of what we do or don't do. We don't owe God. God's love is unconditional. It never says "You owe me."
This doesn't mean we should do nothing. However, we don't need to do anything to be loved. Furthermore, the mistakes and misgivings we make don't hold us in some perpetual hopeless captivity. Understanding this, can perhaps allow us to realize that people in our lives and in the big, wide world- are beloved for who they are, not what they produce.
Revealed this week as I sat on my bed, feeling overwhelmed by the needs of the world, was another piece of my vocation. It is to be a "sister" to all. Being a little or big sister is a relationship I know well, as I have two brothers. It is one of unconditional love. I have found that in communities such as L'Arche, the Catholic Worker, or family + friends, being a sister is a humble way of being taught and accepting love as well as sometimes leading. It is always loving. Back in the day I used to discern whether I was called to be a religious sister. I realized I'm not quite obedient enough for that, but that God was placing the word "sister" in my heart from a young age. Therefore, this piece of vocation is reflective of many gifts I've been given by God in this life. As I look back, it is who I am in the sense of intangible gifts with others that really matters. Often times, love is manifested through tangible acts, but this is not where one's self worth is derived.
Each sister (or brother) in community gives something different, whether it is the physical labor of cooking + cleaning, being present, writing, keeping things emotionally light by simply talking about the silliness of the cats, offering prayers, or sharing free tickets to a museum or good reading material at the perfect moment.
Dorothy Day, the founder of the Catholic Worker said that many who come to the Catholic Worker "learn compassion and overcome fear". I am definitely learning compassion through the women who come each day who are sisters to one another and to me, what a grace they are giving.
Overcoming fear...hm...We'll save that one for next time...!
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